Our Stolen Phone Episode, except it was Our Penis

Dear Abbi and Ilana,

For our anniversary this August, we took a trip to frolic in the city for a whirlwind of Broad City inspired adventures. From troubles in transit including Penn Station, to Sara reenacting the scene where Abbi tries to score in the park and the guy walks away mid-sentence, to experiencing a wonderful tale of dick lost and found all in the name of BROAD CITY LOVE!

We stayed with our friends near Washington Square Park, and I naturally insisted that we grab a photo in front of the park fountain to show off our love to Broad City.

Image of Sara and I front of the Washington Square park foundation. I'm wearing my beautiful "Cunt" shirt. — Image of Sara and I front of the Washington Square park foundation. I’m wearing my beautiful “Cunt” shirt.

Sitting on the edge of the foundation, we got so captured in taking the image that we left behind our anniversary penis! This is not just any penis; it is a delicate depiction of an erect phallus using fake eyelashes glued on paper by Frances Goodman. This fierce piece of art was a perfect anniversary gift from my uppity freak vegan artist crip sister Sunaura Taylor and her partner and fellow artist David Wallace.

I’m grateful to have friends who indulge my decade old swelling phallic art collection.

30 minutes after taking our photo, we were searching for a certain pizza place and Sara realized she was no longer carrying our penis. Sara and I panicked in unison when we realized we lost our cock! Our friends tried to calm us with the idea that sometimes art passes through people and that the penis would find a nice home. But we could not let our cock go without trying to find her! Off we went back to the park. Wanting to pass out, crying, and really needing water – we made it to the park.

I led the way, weaving shamelessly directly in front of various bits of public art, including a symphony with a crowded audience waiting for the show. My rationalization of such behavior: I helped create part of freak nature of New York f-ing City. But most of all, damn the world – we needed our dick!

When we could see the fountain, we could see our cock leaned against the foundation untouched. We screamed with joy and Sara ran to grab it!